A Question of Trust

My Grandad once told me, "It's not that hard to trust someone you don't like, but it's almost impossible to love someone you don't trust."

I've had some pretty weird, confusing and crappy stuff happen to me over the past couple of months or so.  Not that that in itself is anything unusual - that's the story of my bleedin' life, mate.  But the way I've reacted to it all since has rather taken me by surprise.

It feels like I've always had the much-maligned and dreaded 'trust issues', and I have occasionally found myself being curious as to why those issues seemed to increase as I got older.  I just (wrongly) assumed that, as my own trust issues developed in childhood, they would lessen in adulthood. But in fact, the opposite is true.  Typical... *tut*

To use a well-worn phrase, I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of people I completely trust.  And I know I'm not alone in that, as pretty much everyone has a very close-knit group of trusted friends.  But when I say "count on the fingers of one hand", I really mean it.  So when one of the trusted few lets me down, it bloody hurts.  A lot.  

Specifically: a friend of mine - someone I considered a close friend - knew I was going through some really difficult, crappy personal stuff.  I'd confided in him, and he was supportive.  And why shouldn't he be?  I wouldn't have told him if I'd thought he'd be anything BUT supportive or objective, right?  Right.

However, with the benefit of hindsight (and oh, how I love that tricksy hindsight!) I realise now that he wasn't really being supportive or objective at all.  His response was warm, but jokey.  Looking back now, I'm guessing I made him feel uncomfortable by confiding in him, and I feel bad about that.  He did email me once after that to ask if I was okay, but that was all.

Then a few days later this friend emailed me the link to an article he thought was funny and would make me laugh, and under normal circumstances, it probably would have.  However, as I was feeling the lowest I'd been in a very long time (and to cap it all, the article tapped into some other, different personal insecurities), I didn't laugh.  Not at all.  In fact, I cried like a snot-faced girly.

Once I'd composed myself, I replied to my friend's email and asked him WHY, given that he knew how upset I was already feeling, he thought the link was appropriate to send me.  I admitted that I would probably have laughed at it another time, but not today.  I told him I was very hurt by it.

I don't know about you, but if someone told me I'd done something to hurt them (regardless of the intent), I would apologise at once.  No excuses, no claims of extenuating circumstances, no arguments for the defence.  I would simply say sorry for having hurt them, and would no doubt feel absolutely mortified about it all, too.

My friend didn't apologise.  Not only did he not apologise, he didn't even respond to my reply.  And he never has.  I'd trusted him with personal stuff.  I'd trusted him to be my close friend - the friend he said he was.  Instead, he's shown himself to NOT be the man I thought he was.  He's commented on stuff on my Facebook, tagged me in photos and posts, but he hasn't properly been in touch since that email.  And he used to email me every day, too.

My reaction to this was to back off.  Not just from this friend, but also from a lot of other people.  I decided to fly under the radar for a while, to take some time out to clear my head and take stock of my relationships (although, in fairness, that was more to do with all the other crap I'd had going on leading up to this point).  When I resurfaced, I really hoped my friend would've been in touch, but he wasn't.  It's a real shame, and I still feel genuinely very sad.

I'm hurt, confused and just a little bit cross.  Whilst  I appreciate that being a grown-up does not necessarily equate to behaving like an adult, or to having basic good manners, it's still quite startling when it happens with someone you'd considered a trusted friend. 

It took me a few years - and a few emotional punches to the gut - to fully appreciate my Grandad's wise words.  It's crushing when one of your 'trusted few' lets you down.  For me, it makes me question why I ever trusted them in the first place. 

It also makes me wonder whether I can trust my own judgement, which I've always previously believed was pretty sound.  Even worse, is realising that my capacity to love as well as trust is in doubt. 

Bit of a bummer, really.